OCTOBER SKY

October skies, they fill with gloom,

As I replay disgraceful memories of you

The last sight of you, & what I heard you say,

How can I stop blaming myself for not letting you stay

Home, they say is where the heart is,

But home to us was where the ticking bomb lived

Loud sleepless nights, followed by red & blue lights,

Men with cuffs & badges always took him out of our sights

& how can I love him when all he caused was pain,

The laughs were temporary, yet the tears sustained

With cloudy memories, that fill my eyes

Wishing to hear your voice one last time

The thought of not remembering the way you sound,

Because the sound of your screams still stay around

They flood like Sandy did in '12,

& to think the detectives would be the ones to tell-

They tell us you're gone, & he took his & your life

But how when you last told me you loved me, & you'd get us after sunrise

Yet your sun set & my heart sank with it too

To know I'lI never get to hear you say again "I love you"

Or to put our makeup on when it was time for a party,

Watching you glam influenced me, now look what you started

I pick up these brushes, & always think of you

& I know if you were here, you'd pick them up with me too

& we'd do our makeup again together, not only to cover your bruises,

But to be the "diva" you'd always say you were & I'd always approve

& to dad I love you, but I hate that I do,

when you made the choice to end it all, it caused a quake, I wish you knew

How I feel alone, misunderstood

How I feel unheard, & disapproved

How I had to learn life again,

How I was constantly hurt by family & friends

How your little girl was manipulated & taken advantage of,

How your little girl cries to sleep, frequently poising myself with alcohol & drugs

How it feels to watch my brother, without a dad

How it feels to watch my sister at 18 turn to a "mom" of 2 really fast

How it feels in October & every other day,

Wishing you thought of us, & how it would affect our way

Way of living, being, the view on love,

You were supposed to protect me, now who can I trust

How it feels in October, a heavy chest & purple flowers we lie

On a gravestone with her name on it, as she hugs us from the sky.

CONCRETE ROSE

& she said,

"If you were a flower, that grew amongst a bunch of roses, I'd pick you. Out of all the roses that grew, you grew through the unfiltered mud & the small crack in the concrete. Everyone else wanted something that was able to grow quickly to show off, to then question why their roses) would fall apart, & wonder how something that looked so beautiful never lasted.

No one picked you because you were small, your home was pavement, not well nourished & they couldn't see you. They walked past you, thinking you weren't capable of growing, or even becoming something beautiful, something worthy & meaningful. Sometimes, some would stop walking to speak to you, give you pure oxygen & at the time you never understood why they would stop, praise & feed you their uplifting words just to walk away. You didn't realize that those that stopped only to give you oxygen, didn't pick you because those are the ones that saw your potential, they wanted you to see that you could grow.

No one picked you because you weren't enough, at least that's what they thought, & if/when they did pick you, it was always while you were in the process of growing. Small with no thorns to stop them from pulling you. You got so used to being small, so they portrayed you to be weak. You were easy to be ripped out the ground & tugged on, fun to kick & play with, broken down. Staying small for them to use you, pick at you for their benefit, wondering if they were loved or not.

You stayed small because from time to time someone did stop walking to pick you, even if it was for them to pull your petals one by one, this was the only time you got picked. You thought it was the only love you would ever know, not noticing you were being picked for the wrong reasons. Weakening yourself, not realizing you had true potential to be more.

However though you were weakened, it did not entirely make you weak. Unlike you, the other roses had a nicer foundation that others wanted to tend too & you grew from your own strength, tough as the concrete you called home & from the rain that poured down so hard on you, it hurt enough to break down your petals & over flood your roots, but that makes you stronger. Because every-time you got stepped on, pulled, & teased, there you were growing again, now with more & many more thorns, to protect your growth, & taking your time to blossom so that you could be more well built than before, proving to them that you do have potential to be.

No one chose you because you took your time to bloom. But now you're roots are strong, your stem is sturdy, & tall.

Your petals are brighter & firm, you now stand out from the others. They never understood how you became such. They' 11 never understand how you kept standing & growing through the toughest storms, the sticks & stones. You took your time to bloom. Concrete flower, you are worth more than all the roses combined together in a large room. I'd pick you.

You should pick you too".

GET READY WITH ME: MAKEUP THROUGH MY EYES

STEP 1: PRIME & FILL IN YOUR EYEBROWS

At 10 years old, my mom told me to never get my eyebrows threaded until I was 18. I'd watch her fill her eyebrows in while she gets ready to go to some club in the city. Dad never liked it. He always asked, "where are you going? Why are you leaving? Who's watching the kids?" But, she ignored him and never answered; She was too busy filling in her eyebrows.

STEP 2: APPLY EYESHADOW & LASHES

Mom always picked out the best colors to wear with her outfits on the night of her party. Pinks, yellows, & reds. But, one day I noticed this blue color. Dark blue, almost purple. I got closer & saw it wasn't eye shadow; it was a bruise. A sight I will never forget, permanently embedded in my memory. I watched my dad frequently, almost everyday, apply this blue/purple on her eyes.

Sometimes it wasn't just on her eyes. Each day it would spread. From her arms, to her neck, & maybe her back - when she least expected it.

STEP 3: APPLY FOUNDATION & CONCEALER

Mom heads out to go to work. She's an RN at the hospital. I can hear her frantically digging through her makeup bag, looking for her foundation & concealer. She doesn't know I'm watching, but she covers all of the blue/purple marks on her body. It's not noticeable anymore. It's how she hides it, concealing her bruises & pain simultaneously. Maybe I'II be able to hide the depression & helplessness behind all that foundation & concealer. No one will ever see the bags under my eyes caused from quiet cries & lack of sleep.

STEP 4: CONTOUR & SET YOUR FACE

Contouring. It's like making your face slimmer. You almost look like a different person. You may feel like a different person. I was twelve. I just turned 12, actually. I couldn't find my mom or my dad. My sister didn't know where they were. No one did, except the detectives and the coroner.

"Your mom is gone."

& two days later,

"So is your dad."

After hearing that, I was a different person.

I had to set that piece of reality within me. It was forever. They're gone, & so was I. I couldn't find myself anymore, but my makeup found me.

STEP 5: APPLY LIPSTICK

I can't cry. I can, but I'll ruin my makeup. I'm almost done; let me apply some lipstick. I wonder what my dad was thinking when he busted mom's lip. I wonder what he was thinking when he took her life with so many bullets - bullets that I feel are in me. What was he thinking when he took his own? He left us all alone. Questioning what love is, is this love? My mom not there to tell me which lipstick color to wear on the day of prom, my wedding.

STEP 6: APPLY HIGHLIGHT

After all that time, going through that process, it's time for the best part. Highlighter. It's only right to glow. Despite all the stress, sadness, and my insecurities - I have to shine. I have to be better.

For me. For my mom. For my siblings. I'm finally at a place where I'm comfortable in my truths & in my skin. I can feel whole again. I spend all this time doing my makeup, not only to feel better, but also to shine. I follow many steps to bring me to the finished results, to bring me to my happiness. It's what reminds me of the smallest piece I have left of her.